Calming
by Cheshiremask
Summary: The funniest things can be calming. A word, a gesture...or even just the knowledge that there's someone there. Rated T for allusions to violence and a swear word.


_Author's Note: The fantastic and amazing _Selvanic _rewrote this from Hakkai's point of view! If you liked mine, you'll definitely love _Concerns.

* * *

The scars he could deal with, the pain, the blood, the hate. It was the nightmares that were harder, that lingered, that made him want to run.

Gojyo sighed shakily, exhaling another thick cloud of cigarette smoke into the cool pre-dawn air as he leaned with his back against the wall of the inn they'd been lucky enough to find rooms in for the night. They were just dreams, so it was stupid that he'd get so bent out of shape by them when there were so many other more important things to worry about on this damned trip of theirs. Like surviving, for one.

Put in perspective like that, he couldn't be anything but disgusted by the way his hand shook as it held his cigarette poised so he could let out another lungful of smog, by the way he could still feel cooling sweat at the nape of his neck. How could he be so fantastically stupid as to let a _dream_ get the better of him?

It wasn't even like it was a new one, either. It was just the same old dream, watching his step-mother approaching him with that mad look in her eye, that ghoulish shamble in her step that meant that her madness had completely overtaken him. There was nothing new about reliving the moment when he'd given up, when he'd stood still and waited for her to swing her knife and end his life. Nothing strange about remembering the painful, misplaced hope that his death would finally make her happy. The clatter of the knife as it hit the floor was nothing new either, nor the heavy, dead thud of her body doing the same and the look on his brother's face as Jien took in the sight of what he'd done and turned and left and never looked back, leaving him all alone.

Gojyo shook his head to try and clear his thoughts, dropping the burnt out butt of his cigarette to the ground and stomping it out a little more viciously than he needed to, all in an effort to regain some of his usual temperament. He frowned hard as he concentrated on keeping his hands steady as they came up to replace that spent cigarette and light it, growling softly under his breath at the way the flame from his lighter waivered and flickered without the assistance of any breeze. When the _fuck_ did he become so _weak_.

"Gojyo?"

The click of his lighter snapping shut was almost too loud in the silence, and he stuffed it, and his hands, into his pockets to keep from letting Hakkai see that he was upset, to keep from looking like he was having problems. If it hadn't been such a godforsaken hour, he would have coaxed the innkeeper into opening the bar so he could drink the shakes off. As it was, he could see Hakkai out of the corner of his eye, and the man looked both sleepy and concerned, half dressed and rumpled from having quite obviously only just having gotten out of bed.

"Is everything alright? I heard you leave your room…"

"Yeah, everything's fine," He thought about trying a grin for a moment before deciding to just keep staring into the distance, shrugging one of his shoulders nonchalantly and trying not to look like he really was as thrown as he felt. "Just some weird dreams. Nothing serious."

"Ah…alright," Hakkai almost sounded…disappointed. Gojyo just kept his peace, smoking his latest cigarette slowly down to the filter and trying to convince himself that the nicotine was helping. "You should…come back inside, though. It's a little chilly out here. You wouldn't want to catch a chill."

Gojyo shrugged a little offhandedly and took another long drag of his cigarette, going without comment. He hadn't noticed the temperature, really, not after the panic he'd worked himself up to in his sleep. For all that he was willing to give the advice, Hakkai didn't take it; standing there silently as Gojyo finished his second cigarette and ground it out beside the first. It was…nice, though, to have Hakkai there. Something about his presence was strangely calming. If nothing else, it reminded him that he wasn't really alone anymore, and that was a comfort. He had no idea how to express something like that, though, so he just kept his peace, figuring that Hakkai would just smile and shrug it off like he did for nearly everything else. As close as they were, it didn't seem all that likely that Hakkai would really understand if he just came out and admitted that the mere fact that the other man came to look for him was more of an easement than anything else he could think of at the moment. Hakkai'd probably just been curious, being the light sleeper that he was.

He nearly missed Hakkai's tiny sigh as he turned around and headed back inside, but he figured that the green-eyed man was just happy to be heading in out of the chill and didn't put too much thought into it.

He bid Hakkai a soft goodnight as he slipped back into his own room, closing the door behind him and leaning on it, staring at the bed like his nightmare was its fault entirely. If he hadn't been pressed up against the wood, though, he never would have heard Hakkai's voice on the other side. Though the wood and walls were thin, the words were no more than a murmur…

"Just…don't leave again, Gojyo…please."

He stayed in place until he was sure he heard the soft bump of Hakkai's door closing, the subtle creak of the floorboards in the room beside his that meant that his friend had gone back to bed.

Maybe…just maybe…they both needed a little comfort now and then. And maybe if they admitted it together…it wouldn't be so bad to admit it at all.


End file.
